It’s the single, simplest way to recharge your sex life so why do men STILL initiate sex twice as much as women?
Studies show men still initiate sex twice as many times as women.
The question – given the liberated times we live in now – is why?
Research repeatedly shows the more frequently either partner initiates, the more pleased they both tend to be with each other.
It’s nice to be seduced and you initiating sends a strong signal to your partner: I desire you. I want you. You’re attractive to me.
If you never suggest sex, how does your partner know you’re not having it just to please them?
They don’t – and most women know this.
So why are we still the ones agreeing to sex rather than asking for it?
‘Because men invariably get in their first’ is the most common answer women give. But there are other reasons at play.
Women are actually more bored by monogamy than men are.
A German researcher found men and women in new relationships, on average, report more or less equal desire for each other.
Fast forward and the results change.
There’s a sharp desire dive for women who’ve been with their partners between one and four years that doesn’t happen to men.
Men are already ahead of the game when it comes to sex drive because they have more naturally occurring testosterone, the hormone that influences our sex drive.
For women, it’s a lose-lose scenario: we don’t initiate sex because our sex drives drop dramatically long-term and our libido’s don’t get a much-needed boost because we don’t take charge.
Initiating sex is a libido booster and it’s men who get the benefits of ‘the thrill of the chase’ – the gender that least needs it.
Society says it’s the man’s job to initiate
There’s another belief that says the biggest turn on for women is their partner wanting them – they want men to ‘take charge’ and ‘throw them around the bedroom’ and be the sexual initiators.
No-one is going to argue this isn’t a turn on – we all want sex with someone who clearly desires us.
But if we hardly ever initiate, we don’t get the erotic charge of power initiating delivers: it’s sexier being the one asking for sex than the one submitting to it.
Submission can be highly erotic if you’re playing out a hot Fifty Shades style fantasy.
Not so sexy when submission is giving a resigned nod and stifling a yawn when his hand appears on your thigh just as you’re nodding off to sleep.
We don’t initiate sex because we worry we’ll be rejected
Women love blaming themselves – if our partner stops initiating sex, we think it’s something we’ve done to cause it.
We’re too fat, not sexy enough, no good in bed.
We worry about taking charge and suggesting sex with our partner in case it isn’t sex they don’t want, they just don’t want sex with us.
So there you have it: some of the reasons why women don’t initiate and the many positives that happen if you do.
If you’re the passive partner and want to revamp your sex life with one simple move, here’s how to do it.
HOW TO INITIATE SEX
You don’t have to make like a porn star to let your partner know you’re keen for sex. But you do need to…
Make sure your signals are clear
Here’s what will happen if they aren’t: he might not clock that you’re suggesting sex and miss it completely.
You feel rejected and angry; he doesn’t even know you were up for it.
Not being clear also leaves both of you in the dangerous position of having to guess which touches are expressions of affection and which are meant as a sexual signal.
Ideally, you’d talk about it together and come up with some specific ways you could signal interest.
You don’t have to be blatant or overt
It could be something as simple as a kiss that lasts longer than usual with added tongue.
It could be stroking your partner somewhere near a sexual zone to see what response you get or slipping a sexy note into his pocket before work detailing what you’d like to do that night.
Try getting in the bath or shower and inviting him in or letting him know that when you wear a certain piece of underwear, it means you’re up for it.
Some couples have magnets on the fridge that they move high or low to indicate whether they feel like sex that day.
Tread gently if you’re initiating because he’s stopped wanting sex at all
What if your partner doesn’t just want less sex, they want no sex at all?
Opinion sharply divides on whether you should be trying to tempt him back to sex in this scenario by doing overtly suggestive things like answering the door in nothing but a pair of heels.
The reason why is that it works on some men and freaks the hell out of the rest.
What reaction you’ll get depends on why he’s off sex in the first place.
If it’s because he sees you as a friend rather than a lover, shocking him into seeing you as a good old-fashioned sex object could well do the trick.
If he’s avoiding sex because of erection problems, the pressure of not being able to perform when you so desperately want him to, could be absolutely disastrous.
A ‘real man’ would be rock hard if treated to what you’re offering, he thinks. If he’s not, his sexual confidence slides quietly through the floorboards.
Another reason why this can backfire: one of the reasons people go off sex long-term is that sex is too available. So pushing it in his face (perhaps literally) doesn’t work.
There’s a reason why weight loss experts say to fill the house with chocolates and cakes: the more readily available something is, the less we want it.
Talk honestly about why his libido is dampened rather than launch straight into something you saw on a B-grade movie once and chose a technique that suits.
It really isn’t all about you
You’ve initiated sex and he knocked you back?
It doesn’t mean you didn’t do it properly or what you did wasn’t sexy enough: there are many reasons why men go off sex.
Look at his lifestyle and help him to cut back on alcohol, quit smoking, exercise, reduce stress wherever possible and get enough sleep.
Get him to see a doctor if you think he may be suffering from low testosterone or struggling with erection problems so avoiding sex out of embarrassment.
These are far more likely reasons for him not wanting to have sex so try not to take it personally.
He could simply have had a bad day and be tired.
Men aren’t the sex robots we think they are!
Visit traceycox.com for more tips on how to be more confident and adventurous in bed.
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